job fair fun

Last week, I got an email letting me know about an upcoming job fair. Now it should be said that I am not on the best of terms with the internet at the moment. It has a lot of work to do in regaining my trust. In the past several months it has promised me, among other things, that sexy women wanted to meet me, that I could make up to $3000 dollars a week from my home, provide me with an assortment of medication at the lowest prices around, and that it could lower my mortgage rates while increasing the size of my penis. None of this has happened.

But, despite being lied to so often in the past, I felt that the internet deserved another chance. So I went to the job fair.The job fair was being held by my alma mater, so I figured that, as an alumni, I would surely be welcomed back with open arms. Never mind the fact that I've applied to my alma mater before and never heard back from them. Surely, once I returned in person the collective college would exclaim, 'We remember you! So glad you came back! Here, please take this high paying job offer and return home!'.

So, resumes in hand, I got in the car, drove to the college and fought to find a parking spot. Parking was as bad as I remembered, and after 20 minutes of driving around, I found a place that would require a 15 minute walk.

My daily exercise out of the way, I went inside and browsed through the departments that were hiring. 'The Dept. of Neuroscience'. 'Cultural Research of Africana'. 'Applied Engineering Services'. I joined the only line that I was even remotely qualified for...'Undergraduate Academics'. This section just happened to have the largest amount of applicants.

The line slowly inched forward until I was finally face to face with some lady named Mary. She handed me a pamphlet and asked, in a much cheerier voice than she needed, 'How can I help you!'.

"I need a job," I told her, just in case she thought I had been standing in line for some other reason. "I was wondering if you had any openings in advising , admissions or maybe counseling?"

She glanced over her sheet of available positions and said, in a much cheerier voice than the situation required, "Hmm, well, nope...I don't see anything here! But, do you know about our website! We post every opening on there! And you can even post your resume and it will be sent right to the department that you're applying to! Isn't that just the greatest! This way you can look up any job openings that we have and apply to them right from your computer! The web address is on the pamphlet that I gave you! Good luck!"

And that concluded my time with Mary.

So as not to waste an entire afternoon on only one department, I stopped at the University Health Center area, thinking that maybe something there might be open. I couldn't stand to have my whole job fair experience be summed up by the word 'Mary'.

So I stopped by and asked a lady, whose name tag said that she was 'Jane', what openings they had.

"We have an opening for a part-time summer temp position", Jane told me.

"Yeah, well, um, I was looking for something full-time...you know, a little more permanent."

"That's all we have at this time." I noticed that Jane wasn't nearly as chipper as Mary was.

"Well," I asked Jane, "are you anticipating any openings for the fall?"

"No," she told me, and thus concluded my time with Jane.

But still, this was 'MY' college! My alma mater! Wouldn't they want one of their very own graduates working for them? But rather than a job...or even feigned interest from anyone at the college, all I had to show for my afternoon was Mary's pamphlet.

Which just happens to be the same pamphlet that is now sitting in the garbage can by the main entrance to the job fair.