what did i miss?

When you consider that I have a body which will never make it onto anyone's hot-list, anywhere in the world, I can say, quite positively, that my eyes are actually very sexy. The one, and only, thing about me that may provide even the slightest chance at nabbing Sarah Michelle Gellar. The problem with my gorgeous eyes is that they don't work nearly well enough. In truth, I can't see a thing with them. Granted, contacts help greatly, but once I pop those suckers out, the world becomes nothing but strangely colored blobs. Remove the contacts, and even on the off chance that Sarah Michelle would shoot me a 'come hither' glance from three feet away, I'd never see it. I'd never even know it was her. And worse, in my weakened state of eyesight, I'd end up going home with the likes of Rosie O'Donnell. Of course, even without the eyesight, my sense of touch isn't all that bad, so at least I'd figure out the quality of woman that I walked away with.

So the whole laser eye surgery has seemed very attractive for some time. And now, just this morning in fact, some woman who was legally blind went through this new 'amazing' surgery to restore her eyesight perfectly. As touted by Charlie Gibson, 'she'll be seeing her husband for the first time ever!' And I can't help but feel very sorry for that poor guy.

The way I see it, the whole point of marrying a blind girl is that she can't see you. Double chins, uni-brow, pimple rampant forehead...none of it matters. Gaining weight? She'll know, but she won't see the resulting doughy face. Pick lint out of your belly button, scratch your balls at that expensive restaurant, eat that pork chop that just fell on the kitchen floor...which you haven't swept since you've moved in...and you never once have to worry that she'll catch you in the act. But now, all of a sudden, she's going to see you for the first time. Every clogged pore. Every yellow tinted tooth. Every disgusting thing that you've done right in front of her and have never been caught. And now you're screwed buddy. Join the gym, toss the ratty, pit-stained clothes you've been wearing for the past fifteen years, and start picking up your underwear off the floor, because the minute she got her eyesight back, your party ended.

But for me, that surgery would be heaven. Because on that off chance that I wake up one morning to find a group of naked Playboy bunnies jogging down my street, I don't want to have to reach for my glasses before I run to the window to check out the parade.