15 minutes and counting

By my calculations, I've got about 14 minutes and 30 seconds of fame left to spend. When I was about one, my dad was interviewed coming out of the mall for the local news. I have no idea what he was asked, but because he was holding me, I ended up being on television for twenty seconds. And later as a teacher, I ended up in the newspaper for a 'charity' event that I made one of my classes do, against their will of course. Because this was only crummy little local paper, though, I'm only counting it as 10 seconds of fame time. This leaves me with my promised 14 minutes and 30 seconds.

So I've been giving a lot of thought as to how I want to burn these up. No murdering spree...too much negative press, and no reality show appearance due to the fact that I don't want to become a pop cultural joke and end up as the answer to a Trivial Pursuit 2000's edition. Sports is out because I don't want some creepy bobble head doll being made in my likeness, and while it would be great to be in the Guinness Book of World Records for something like 'Most Marshmallows Stuffed In A Mouth At Once', there's bound to be some little Chinese guy that will eventually beat my world record and then I'll be wiped from the pages of history. No, I need fourteen minutes that will outlive my time on Earth.

This is why I've so carefully plotted my remaining minutes of fame...in between Jennifer Lopez's third and fifth husband (I'm really only giving her and Marc Anthony a few more months) during a drunken weekend in Vegas, I want to meet her, become husband number four, and then get divorced two days later once she sobers up, but still have left enough of an impression that I get a one sentence liner note on one of her CDs. I'll also settle for Britney Spears, but because she's already had one 'under a week' marriage, I think that Jennifer is a more realistic choice. But my own liner note in an album! Damn that would be cool!