my smoldering ear

I've been having trouble with my cell phone lately, and finally got around to visiting my local Verizon store to sort the problem out. For awhile now, whenever I'm on the phone, the battery gets extremely hot, and while this worked well in the winter as an instant ear and hand warmer, now that it's summer I find this once useful 'quirk' to be annoying. Plus, while the battery burns in my hand, the amount of battery strength rapidly decreases...which usually results in a fully charged phone providing me about seven minutes of conversation time...or third degree burns, whichever comes first.

To make matters worse, my phone is no longer recharging at all. I plug the thing into its little adapter, and it charges for about five seconds then abruptly stops. So once that battery is dead, it pretty much stays that way...unless I sit nearby and jiggle the adapter every few seconds.

I was worried that the overheating may soon progress to exploding, and I figured that this warranted my attention...and a replacement phone. Call me vain, but I'm rather fond of my ears and would hate to think of losing one in a freak phone explosion accident.

So phone in hand, I made my way to the nearest Verizon store, patiently waited my turn in line, and finally made my way up to speak to Fran, my friendly 'Phone Specialist'.

I asked her about the recall on the Kyocera phones and Fran said, "I haven't heard about any recalls and I would certainly know if there was one."

I told her all about my phone woes...the overheating, the reluctance to charge, the impending explosions, and Fran tells me that she just needs to 'check the computer'.

This is never a good sign, because computers rarely tell me what I want to hear.

"Well," my lovely Phone Specialist named Fran told me, "my computer says that you're eligible for a new phone in about a month."

"Yes, well you see Fran," I explained, "my phone has been overheating and won't keep a charge and, when you consider the fact that it won't recharge anymore, this makes it pretty tough to talk on the phone."

Fran looked up from her screen and said, "well why don't you come back on July 12 and we can discuss your problem at that time."

"Fran, I can't even use my phone anymore...let me explain the problem again..."

She cut me off by saying, "sir, you can purchase a phone now, but it will cost you $250. Otherwise, I'll see you in July. Now goodbye."

I scooped up my phone, stormed off, and tried my best to slam the automatic door on my way out. Apparently the old saying, 'the customer is always right' only applies at Verizon one month each year.