phoning it in

I was hired to do background checks, and I actually enjoyed the work. But my boss, the old twit, has decided that three of us in the office, me included, will have a new function to perform. This new 'job' she refers to as 'quality assurance'. What this really means, though, is 'telemarketing'. I hate telemarketers, and now I have become one. So basically, rather than prying around in people's past, which was quite interesting, I'm now calling on mostly ex-clients to ask, 'and how did you like our service? would you like to try our service again?' And being that most of these are 'ex-clients' I think that the answer is quite obvious as to how much they liked our service and whether they want more of our service.

Today, the old twit sidles up to my cube today and says, in a tone of voice that implies I'm the kindergartener who has been eating Elmer's glue by the coat rack, "you know, it's very strange but you are the only one that hasn't had a client request additional information ...that's very unusual isn't it?"

But it really isn't unusual at all. I have become one of those magazine subscription re-newers that continually call your house. "So are you pleased with our magazine? How do you like our magazine? Are you getting our magazine on time? Do you like the little smelly perfume and cologne ads that we have been inserting for your pleasure? Would you like a change of address to take place at this time? If you renew now for another five year period at our special low price, we will send you a delightful little coaster with Julia Robert's face on it, all free of charge, just as our way of saying 'thank you!'"

Personally, I always answer 'no'. I don't want to re-subscribe right now, nor do I want to place any beverages atop Julia Roberts face.

So when I read through the part of my script that says, 'would you like us to send you additional information about our latest upgrades?' and they say 'no' I don't push it. Why bother? Truthfully, I don't blame them at all. I certainly wouldn't want all this extra crap coming in the mail, and why would they? But now, apparently, I'm doing a 'poor' job because people are telling me, "no, don't send us any crap in the mail".

A quick fix to this dilemma is that I'm just going to have to start deciding for people that they want these mailers. I'll send out a bunch of mail, and instantly I'll be a 'solid performer' again. So if you get a call on the phone asking if you want pamphlets about 'special offers' and 'exciting new deals', don't bother saying 'no'. Because if it's me that you're talking to, you'll be getting our crap anyway. Use it to make paper airplanes or origami or something...I really don't care. But you can bet that your mailbox will soon be stuffed.