from now on I'll be screening my calls

I don't understand the point of some phone calls. Take my friend Randy, for instance. I rarely hear from him unless it's two in the morning and he's drunk. Then I'll get a call. Or, like this past, Friday. when he called me from his car. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"Nothing, really," I said. "You in town? Maybe we could head out and get a drink."

"Nah," he answered, "I just wanted to call and see what you were doing because I'm here in the car with Tracy, and we're going camping."

'So,' I thought to myself, 'basically you called to tell me that you're with a woman and will soon be getting laid in the middle of a forest.' The call dampened my spirits because I would be spending a laidless evening by myself.

Then this morning, I get another pointless phone call. This time from Lindsay, the girl I was no longer dating. She left me a message saying, "I'm moving into my new place today, and you'd be such a sweetheart if you'd come over and help."

I didn't bother to return her call, but am seriously considering tossing my cell phone off of a bridge.