sent to the principal's office

I was called into the bosses office today, which, considering how the old twit runs her business, is exactly like being called into the principal's office when you're in the first grade. I sat down and she asked, "so how do you think you're doing here so far?"

This, naturally, is a loaded question. One which has no correct answer. Saying 'great' makes you sound pompous, which the old twit loves because then she can knock you down a few pegs. Saying 'sucky' gives her all the more reason to rip you apart. Saying 'great, considering what a sucky job you do of running the place' pretty much ensures that you no longer have a job. Given my choices, I decided to answer in a very non-committal way.

"I try to do my best to ensure that our clients are always satisfied," I told her.

"Well," she continued, "you do produce good work and you're getting your work done, but every time I walked by your desk this morning, you weren't in your seat. This concerns me. We'll see how you do next week about staying at your desk more, then we'll meet again to re-evaluate the job that you're doing around here."

It seems that my performance is now linked to how many minutes I sit behind my desk...and I can't help thinking, 'I went to college for this crap?!'

Once I sat back down to begin improving my performance by producing quality sitting time, I got a call from a client asking me to confirm John Swanson's diploma. I called his alma mater and was told that they had no record of him ever having graduated.

I called John back to explain the situation and ask that he fax me a copy of his diploma so that the appropriate high school officials could verify it.

Soon after, I was holding the faxed copy of John's diploma. In the middle of the diploma was a large picture of George Washington...this, despite the fact that the school John graduated from was called Kennedy High School. The word 'diploma' was written in a large bubble font directly below George and was spelled 'diploema'.

While I'm no forgery expert, I was pretty sure that this was not an actual diploma, yet I still sent it off to the high school so that they could verify what I already knew.

Dorothy, the secretary at the high school, faxed me back a copy of an 'actual' diploma that the school gives to its graduates and wrote, 'in my 26 years at this school, we have NEVER handed out diplomas that look like this.'

So here's today's lesson on 'faking your resume': If you plan on creating your own diploma because you never graduated from high school, be sure to find an 'actual' high school graduate to make it for you. At least then, the words will be spelled correctly.