what's in a name?

A drive through any neighborhood will acquaint you with the more popular real estate agents of the area simply from glancing upon their names in big letters beneath the 'For Sale' sign in front of the houses that are on the market. One of the big names in real estate where I live is Irv Wiener. Irv's name can be found in the front yard of many houses that are up for sale.

Now family lineage aside, I can't help but wonder why Irv hasn't changed his name. Honestly, if my name was going to be displayed around town, I don't know if the last name 'Wiener' would command the type of respect that I would hope to achieve. Granted, Irv comes from a long line of Wieners...his father was a Wiener, his father's father was a Wiener before that...but at some point, wouldn't somebody on one of those family tree branches think, 'hey, there must be a better last name out there.'

I know a guy who's last name just happens to be Uhrmacher. He was searching for a job a few years back and just couldn't land an interview to save his life. I tried explaining that perhaps interviewers were hesitant to call someone whose last name they couldn't pronounce. Honestly, do you really think Tom Cruise would have been as big a star if his name were Tom Uhrmacher? I think not. So I suggested that he change his name from Uhrmacher to Steel. 'Mark Steel has a much better ring to it...one that employers would surely be willing to pay the big bucks for', I tried to explain. But to no avail. And, to my credit, he still isn't making big money, where as had he changed his name like I recommended, he may have been making millions of dollars.

True, he may have remained a low paid slob, but I like to think of this example of further proof that I have all the answers. People just refuse to see the fact that I'm always right.

Even more confusing with the whole name issue is with women. Women actually have a chance to change their name into something much cooler than it already is...and I strongly oppose marrying into a lower name class. Would Julia Roberts marry Irv Wiener? I don't know Irv personally, but I doubt that no matter how nice the guy is, Julia would never go for it...who would pay full ticket price to see Julia Wiener star in a movie? Not me...I'd go and see the Meg Ryan flick instead.

And I don't condone the whole hyphen thing either. It's pointless and creates a whole lot of extra writing on mailing addresses and subscription forms. Besides, someday when your hyphenated kid marries another hyphenated kid, you end up with something like John and Julie Blue-Green-Lake-Waters. And who wants to be sharing an office with Gregory Goffa-Cures-Elfin-D'Arse? Not me.

I went to school with a girl named Hayley Harrison, and while she was a cute enough girl, I absolutely loved her name. What could be better than telling people that you are dating someone named 'Hayley Harrison'? Bragging rights alone are worth any personality deficiencies that she may have. Believe me, the guy dating Emma Buntson is not going to be able to compete in the 'I'm dating a girl with a hot name' contest.

The easy solution to all of this is that upon marriage, you should choose the person with the better last name and stick with that one. I later found out that Hayley Harrison married some guy with the last name of 'Pudkowski'. My fantasies of Hayley are now forever ruined. And in a worst case scenario where both last names suck, I say let the happy couple create a brand new last name. Rick and Sue Bartleby become Rick and Sue Vegas...and now they actually become the posh couple to hang around with.

As for me, I'm thinking that I just may change my name to Mel Gibson. Not very original, I know, but I'm thinking that it may increase my appeal to women...at least until they actually meet me.