a self-help book that would actually help

Life is cyclic in nature. High points follow low points. Famines will follow feasts. And slow periods of business will give way to busier times. Most people know this, hence they would not get rid of about a fifth of their staff during a slow period in business. Unfortunately, the old twit that I work for is a moron and fired a fifth of the staff is about a month ago. Technically, she 'laid them off', but once gone from her company, you don't return. It's sort of like the 'laid-off' equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle.

So suddenly, my desk was filled with a week's worth of work that was due in about two days time. 'Don't worry, though,' she told me, 'I plan on bringing in some temps next week.' Again, stupid idea. By the time they're trained and actually ready to start taking on a full work load, we'll be well into next week. How this will make me 'less worried' I have no idea. And I fully expect that once the temps are up to speed, we'll probably enter into a slow period, meaning the old twit will fire...or 'lay-off'...the temps, or perhaps either full-time staff, once again. Why she didn't simply call back some of the previous folks she laid-off is beyond me. They knew the job, could've taken on more work, more quickly, and fit right back into the swing of things. This, though, makes too much sense. And nothing my dimwit boss does makes sense.

So for a while at least, I'm back to background checking and getting reacquainted with the idiots that we help place back into the work force. This being said, I'd like to introduce you to Devon Tressle. Devon listed on his job application that he was earning $14 an hour as a heavy equipment operator while working for an independently owned small business. I called the person he listed as his supervisor and found some small discrepancies in his application.

While he was an 'operator of heavy machinery' it wasn't so much a 'job' as it was an 'apprenticeship'. He wasn't skilled in it, rather, he was just learning it. He was also off a bit in his salary. It seems that he wasn't earning $14 an hour but was earning $2 a day. This sounds like slave labor, I know...but in a sense it sort of was. You see, he wasn't working for a small company. Devon was in jail. This was a training program that he took while incarcerated in the state pen, or, as the politically correct refer to it, a 'correctional institute'. He wrote that he left the job because he 'relocated'...which, I guess, was technically accurate, because his last day on the job was the day that he was released from prison.

These people need help, and I'm beginning to think I may be just the person to enlighten them. Not quite Dr. Phil, but his more shady, and devious second cousin, perhaps. I see the solution to my string of sucky jobs in the form of a book and touring on the college and high school lecture circuit. Not once in college was I taught, told, or sold anything that would eventually help me in the 'real world'. I figure a book and lecture series on 'how to embellish (lie) on your resume and not get caught' might be the perfect thing to actually make some cash. I feel pretty confident that I could adequately fudge someone's resume enough so as to slide them past most of the people that would eventually hire them.

I only wish that there was someone like me to talk to me back when I was still in college so that I wouldn't end up like the me nowadays but more like the me that was talking to me then. Get it?

If not, don't worry too much. Just keep looking in your local bookstore for my do-it-yourself book on resume enhancement.