office holidays

I hate the whole 'secret Santa' thing that seems to infect every office around this time of year. Yet, I always seem to get suckered into participating. I simply don't see the point of spending $10-20 on someone from work that I really don't like and, under ordinary circumstances, wouldn't be willing to buy a candy bar for let alone an actual gift. Rather than fill out some card listing three things that I'd like from my 'secret Santa', I'll just keep my $20, spend it on myself, and save us all the trouble.

To make matters worse, the person I picked to be 'Santa' for is none other than Byron. Byron, the 'boss's pet. Byron, the journalism major, who can't write worth shit and has been spewing nonsensical sentences in reports to our clients for several months. Byron, just one of our office idiots that I can't stand. So what does a future star journalist ask for as the perfect gift? Coffee, books, and gum. Doesn't the creativity just scream 'author of the next great American novel'?

So now I'm stuck with the prospect of getting this jack-ass a gift. And while part of me would love to purchase a book for him (which was a recommended gift suggestion, mind you) on writing 101: how to construct a sentence, the mere fact that this will probably run me over $10 will keep me from buying this. So this leaves coffee and gum.

I'm a big coffee lover and simply hate to disgrace the good name of coffee by giving any to Byron. If I buy choice coffee beans, you can bet that I'm the one who is going to be drinking them. Of course, this does leave the whole Maxwell House and Folger's line, but the thought of wrapping a round can? Too much work.

Which leaves gum. So, the secret Santa game plan is this...the morning before the present exchange I'm going to stop at a mini-mart and purchase $9 worth of Big Red. Maybe, depending on my generosity level that morning, I might mix in some Wrigley's Spearmint just for variety, then tape the whole thing together in a big brick when I get to the office and wrap in in Post-It notes. And afterwards, I'll be sure to make a mental note to never, ever, sign up for one of these office gift exchanges again.