an allergic reaction

I went out for a drink last night with Jill and Gwen, deciding that a little celebration was in order now that I won't be completely broke. Jill picked us up, and being the fashion conscious girl that she is, asked Gwen to defuzz her black little jacket/sweater thing. Gwen agreed, and was handed Jill's sweater and a disposable razor. Gwen, being unfamiliar with this defuzzation process, was instructed in the finer points of sweater shaving.

So as we sped down the road to the bar, Gwen sat in the backseat shaving Jill's sweater, little black fuzzies flying throughout the car interior.Once we arrived, and Gwen shook off all of the fuzzies that had been shaved off of Jill's sweater and were now attached to her, we grabbed a table near the bar. As our drinks arrived, Jill told us how she had just recently discovered yet another reason why she is genetically malfunctioned... for it seems, she said, that she has now developed an allergy to latex. This was discovered when, after being in close proximity to certain types of kitchen gloves, balloons, and other latexy items, she would swell up, her face resembling something close to a tomato.

After the fifth time that this occurred, she realized that perhaps a trip to the doctor's office was in order. Naturally, it took five times of this excessive swelling to convince her that the doctor may be her best choice of options because of her distaste for all things doctoresque after an especially bad experience with a podiatrist that chipped off one of her toenails...and this just a day after a pedicure.

"So this doctor guy tells me that I'm allergic to latex," she said, "and all I can think about is how lucky I am that I have a rigorous screening process about who I let sleep with me" (Jill, being disease-phobic rarely lets anyone stick anything inside any part of her body. As she will gladly point out, she won't even drink after someone else, and that's only secondary contact.)

"Really now," she continued, "if I had sex with someone, and they had on a latex condom, my cootch would probably swell up! And with my luck, he probably get stuck and wouldn't be able to pull out. The firemen would have to be called, and then they'd need to use that jaws of life thingy to separate us."

"But can you imagine the headlines?" I told her. "Man trapped in freak pussy plumping incident!"

"Cock crushing girl on the loose," Gwen added, "Men are advised to keep their pants zipped at all times!"

Jill just rolled her eyes at us. "Yeah, my mother would be so proud."

If nothing else, though, I'm sure that this would make for a fascinating story at the next family reunion.