the cookie knows all

I've noticed an unsettling trend lately in the fortune cookie business. This bothers me for several reasons, the main one being that I depend on the fortune cookie. You see, while I've always considered astrology and horoscopes to be pure hogwash, the fortune cookie has always been my direct line with the cosmos. I could always rely on the fortune cookie to tell me what was ahead, what I had to look forward to in the future, and how I should plan my day accordingly. Yes, the fortune cookie is my mystic guide.

Especially considering that these cookies are made in China, and as we all know, there's a whole mystique surrounding the Eastern world. Even those old detergent commercials knew this, when speaking of the 'ancient Chinese secret' in getting your clothes extra clean, a clean unheard of in the Western world. These Chinese people just know things that us Westerners just aren’t privy to. And their knowledge of future events they have decided to generously share with us, presented in a tasty, crunchy package, predicting the future, and satisfying our munchies at the same time.

Yet lately, my fortunes have been lacking. For instance, the last few fortunes I've received have told me, 'A smile can light up the darkest night' and 'Friends are worth their weight in gold' and after cracking open that thin crispy shell, I've been left to wonder what the hell kind of fortune these are supposed to be?

Really, these are more statements than they are fortunes. They don't predict nor foresee anything! And I'm left wondering if perhaps there has been a translation problem here.

I don't speak Chinese, but perhaps the words ‘fortune’ and ‘statement’ very similar in the Chinese language. Maybe the new soothsayer who was hired to write these fortunes is confused as to what, exactly, he should be doing. So that rather than looking into the future, he’s simply jotting down cute little sentences, and this slight translation problem has turned our fortune cookies into 'statement cookies'.

Either way, my destiny has now become cloudy, and I'm floundering here. Answers to all my questions; Will I find true love? Will I a find a job? Will I take a long journey? are going unanswered. And sadly, not knowing where to turn for enlightenment, I will be forced to start digging through the closets in search of my old Magic 8 Ball. Though, can a stupid, little plastic ball predict the future with nearly as much accuracy as an all knowing crunchy, little cookie?

All signs point to 'No'.