the unemployment hat-trick

Yesterday, I scored the unemployment hat-trick. In the land of the un-working, this is the ultimate feat. One that rarely occurs, but marks true excellence and dedication in being unskilled in anything that someone would be willing to pay you for.

It started with a letter in the mail, and while these letters are nothing new to me, little did I know that this particular letter would start my historic day. It was sent by some company, the name of which I can't even remember now but obviously applied to at some point in the past.

They thanked me for my interest in their company, that they received hundreds of thousands of resumes for the one insignificant, low-paying position that they needed to fill, and that while they found my credentials so very, very impressive, they weren't going to hire me...because, quite frankly, my credentials really aren't that impressive. They just didn't want to make me feel bad. And I find it nice that they are so concerned for my mental well being. Especially considering my 'interest' in them, though I don't remember who they are or what the hell I applied for.

My second score of the day was a phone call from Carole. I interviewed with her a couple of weeks ago. Once again, she said that my credentials were 'impressive', but that they decided to hire a candidate who ‘knew the area’…as if knowing the area is the most essential skill an employee can have.

And apparently, those little things called 'maps' just aren't as good as 'knowing' the area. None of which makes sense anyway, being that the job was in ONE building. Therefore, you really only need to know the area well enough to find the ONE building that you work in. Find it, and you're in good shape. Remember where it is every single day so that you never get lost on the other side of town and miss a day, or possibly week if you've not only forgotten where you work but also what state you work in, and you're looking at a potential employee of the month award. In the future, I'll make sure to wander around the city aimlessly in order to fine tune my knowledge of different areas.

The hat-trick came when I called John, who I interviewed with last week. I just wanted to find out where they were in the hiring process and was told that they should be making a decision in the next day or two. I inquired as to whether or not I was still being considered.

"Your credentials were impressive and while you're still being considered, I'm not sure that you're going to make the cut. But your resume will be kept on file for a year."

So basically, the answer is 'no' I will not be getting a job offer from them anytime soon. But I did get a great consolation prize of having my resume kept on file for one whole year. And really, who can ask for more than that?

Now, I realize that this technically does not constitute an official hat-trick, because I wasn't officially rejected by this last company. But like Roger Maris before me, I can live with an asterisk next to my name in the record books. I still think it's a pretty impressive feat...one that will only bolster my already 'impressive' credentials.