my long and winding career path

My earliest thoughts toward a career came in the first grade. It was here that I decided being a mailman would be the absolute best job ever. I chose this profession because I really enjoyed passing back papers to the rest of the class. I also enjoyed reviewing how many problems they got wrong on their spelling tests and how many addition problems they got wrong on their homework…thereby keeping tabs on how everyone in the class was faring. Upon finding out that mail carriers were not at liberty to read the letters that they were delivering...thus not legally able to see if your Uncle Albert finally passed that kidney stone and whether your cousin Sue was still shacking up with her worthless bum boyfriend...I quickly lost interest.

Throughout high school, I began thinking of advertising as a possible career choice. I enjoyed drawing and was actually named art editor of the school paper. The fact that I was the only person that wanted this position, while slightly tarnishing the title, was still mine to bear and to attach to college applications.

The University of Pittsburgh did not have an 'advertising' program, however, so I was herded into the business degree program. I soon realized that I would never stay awake for four years of economics and business calculus classes, all which would pretty much lead me to a fascinating career as an assistant manager at the Footlocker, so I again had to rethink my future plans.

My little brother had just started kindergarten the same year that I started college, and during the winter break, I volunteered in little his kindergarten classroom. Here, I experienced the joys of Play-Doh and helping kids with difficult assignments such as how to write their name. I quickly saw that this was right up my alley. I could sculpt Play-Doh! I could write other people’s names! I could even solve the difficult issues that arose in the classroom, such as when a little kid named Jimmy wiped his mouth on Jennifer's sleeve.

"He got egg all over my sleeve when he wiped his mouth on it!"

"Jimmy, why, exactly, did you wipe your mouth on her sleeve," I asked.

And Jimmy, who always wore sleeveless shirts for some reason, explained, "well, I don't have sleeves to wipe my mouth on, but Jennifer did, so I used hers."

Now this was a problem that I could solve! I felt very much like Solomon, my years of experience having provided me with the answers to even the most difficult mouth wiping problems. Thus, education became my chosen career path.

Though the choice didn't turn out to be as wise as I first thought, and by 1999, I was sure that I needed out of the education field. I was teaching at a Catholic school…and working with a bunch of nuns was more than enough to convince me that I needed a new job. I realize that nuns have devoted their life to God, but what they fail to tell you is that the God they’re devoted to is the Old Testament, fire and brimstone, vengeful God.

So I began to think about alternative ways to make a living. The internet was a cash cow at this time, people were starting dotcoms all over the web and making millions in the process so I thought, ‘why not jump on the bandwagon and grab a small sliver of the pie?’

I found a college which was offering a program in Multimedia Technology and web design. A few months into the program, the dotcom biz went belly up, thousands of people lost millions of dollars, and tons of folks that were more skilled and talented than I was, were tossed out onto the street.

And now, ten years later, I’m back trying to get a business degree. People often ask, ‘what do you want to do with another degree?' And my answer is, 'to get a better job'. Beyond that, who knows? But when I finish, I'm hoping to turn my newfound business savvy into some intricate scam, and then have the knowledge to hide the money away in some off shore account...far away from the grubby hands of the IRS.

Yes, get rich quick schemes...the true American Dream!