the smell of clean

Cleanliness. It's next to Godliness, you know. And as many unemployed people will tell you, they find themselves cleaning obsessively due to increased amounts of free time.

Though the actual process of cleaning things can be really hard work. My solution is that, in lieu of doing 'real' cleaning, I simply try and make sure that things smell clean.

For example, Washed or not, my underarms always receive a swipe of deodorant. The 'Sport scent' when I'm going for a more manly appeal, the 'Fresh scent' when I'm just going for a ‘yes, I actually bothered to bathe today...can't you tell by my fresh smell?’ appearance. Around the apartment, the clean smell choices seem to be between pine or lemon scent.

I usually opt for the lemon and buy the lemon scented Pine-Sol, a confusing product that smells lemony but which has tied the word 'pine' into its name, thus giving the impression that you're cleaning with twice the power. Though I’m not sure why I associate this citrusy smell with cleanliness. Generally, citrus juice left behind on a counter top creates a rather sticky and unpleasant tactile sensation.

It might be that the pine smell reminds me of the woods, which then leads to anxiety that upon my hike to the couch, I may fall victim to a bear attack. So lemon scented it shall remain.

I have seen those commercials for Oxyclean lately, though. But I'm just not real convinced that this product is going to convey the level of clean that I want. I'm dubious that oxygen really has any 'cleaning' power in the first place. Really now, if oxygen was that great a cleaner, wouldn't the lungs of our smoking friends be pristine? If oxygen can remove tough grass and ketchup stains, a little bit of smoke and tar should be a piece of cake.

And oxygen has no smell. And if there's no smell, how can you tell if something is really, truly clean? Clean has a smell. Dirty has a smell as well. Something with no smell means that we're hovering somewhere in between clean and dirty. Revealing that we have moved out of the clean phase, have now become odorless, and are moving into the dirty phase. This being said, Oxyclean will most likely not be promoted to a spot on my shelf.

But even with all this time, I just can’t bring myself to do any cleaning. I shuffle across the kitchen floor in my socks and consider the floor to be polished…and this is about the extent that I can muster on the cleaning front. And how am I supposed to make any forward movement on the job and relationship areas of life, when I can't even master the cleaning portion of the test?

It might just be time for a maid.