rest in peace

You know, I really have nothing against animals. And while I tend to prefer the cuter, fuzzier animals over the scaly, slimy kind, I generally wish them no harm…with the exception of those bugs that decide on vacationing within my apartment. To them, I figure they get what they deserve. But to the others, I have no ill will at all.

And I firmly believe that the Avon and Mary Kay people should really try and refrain from all that animal testing, which probably consists of spraying excessive amounts of perfume on a bunch of poor little bunnies. Likewise, I feel that those little white rats should really be given the choice to opt out of all that maze running that the scientists put them through. Even when driving, I try to think of animals first.

I always slow down when birds swoop in front of my car, even though they should clearly look both ways before any swooping takes place. And whenever I see a dog in the street, I never speed up and aim for it…even when it’s one of those annoying little yipping dogs that really do deserve to be run over. And with the exception of one squirrel, my track record for hitting animals on the road has been nearly spotless…though this wasn’t really even my fault.

The squirrel was eating an acorn in the middle of the road as I was driving…at the speed limit mind you…toward it. I was under the impression that getting out of the way of cars was some type of squirrel instinct, and that it would run off long before I got too close. Unfortunately, he must have been one hungry squirrel, because this instinct never kicked in. However, I was comforted in knowing that he enjoyed his last meal as my right passenger tire went over him.

Today, however, my animal fatality rate increased. As I drove down the road this morning, a turkey came strolling out of the woods right in front of my car, and with no time to react, the turkey quickly met my 55 mile per hour car. Upon impact, there was a huge explosion of feathers, much like one of those pillow fight scenes from the movies…minus the scantily clad ladies, unfortunately. It was like the fourth of July with feathers instead of fireworks…the sky was filled with fun and featheriness.

But I wasn’t even able to fully enjoy how totally cool the sudden feathering of the sky was because of the guilty feelings I had about hitting this turkey...a turkey that was clearly suicidal…which, therefore, absolved me from any real responsibility in the death of this animal.

But like any true humanitarian, I pulled off to the side of the road. I slowly exited my vehicle and walked around to the front of my car. And after a careful inspection revealed that there were no dents, I breathed a sigh of relief and drove off…though I did spit my chewing gum out at the approximate place of impact as homage to the turkey. It was cinnamon and still had some flavor left in it, yet I unselfishly sacrificed the gum out of respect for the deceased turkey. I’m a humanitarian like that.

Besides, I still had another pack in my car.