items not on the agenda

A month into my job and already I have perfected both the art of the Rolodex spin and my ability to white out whole sentences. I’m quite sure that there’s a job description somewhere for my position, but I don’t know where it is or what I should be doing, so until I’m called upon to produce actual results, I’ll continue spinning and white outing.

However, I’ve found that you can only spin and white out for so many hours until both activities become incredibly dull. Being that our company internet is closely monitored for illegitimate use, I have been forced to find other time consuming activities. This being said, the discovery of the paper shredder in a nearby storeroom has been a godsend. Now, once I’ve whited out all possible letters, words, and sentences on the varying papers I find in my desk, I can finish the task by shredding the whole page.

Now generally I hate meetings of all kinds. But upon receiving an email stating that there was a staff meeting this afternoon, I was overjoyed. A meeting, I figured, would be the perfect way to waste some additional time following lunch, and would provide a much needed break from my excessive paper shredding.

Upon filing into the meeting, I sat myself across from another newly hired employee in the purchasing department. She’s a young girl, straight out of college, and if there’s one thing that I’ve learned in my numerous jobs, it’s that recent graduates in the workforce don’t have a clear concept of ‘too much information’. She was no different, and had yet to learn to keep a finger on the edit button and maintain a two second delay between the brain and the mouth.

And as we sat waiting for the meeting to start, she began telling the other staff members who were seated around the table how, a few weeks prior, she had been to a strip club. It turns out, that one of the male strippers chose her to be a part of his act, and unzipped the zipper on her jeans. Either by his over exuberance or premature dezippering, he broke the seal which separated her panties from the nighttime air.

“I was, like, totally embarrassed,” she told the now seat squirming staff members…many of whom are well into their fifties…“I don’t even find male strippers all that exciting, and then he, like, breaks my zipper! My jeans were ruined! Well, you better believe that I’m never going to a strip club again! If I want to see a naked guy, I’ll tell my boyfriend to undress!”

It’s a shame, really, that she didn’t get her job at the office supply company just a few months earlier. Because we just happen to sell staplers that could have remedied the situation.