a labor day toenail test

I’ve been dating Trish for a couple of weeks now and, in the spirit of Labor Day, we decided to attend a picnic that some of my friends were having.

As is the case with my friends, the most unappetizing discussions tend to pop up at the exact moment when everyone is about to eat. Yesterday was no different, and as we were all preparing to delve into abundant helpings of hot dogs, hamburgers, and potato salad, Randy said, “you know, probably the most disturbing commercial I’ve seen was the one for that anti-depressant drug…you remember, it had those side effects which included ‘nausea’ and a ‘greasy discharge’.”

“Well a lot of those erectile commercials are no better,” Jill added. “And those poor people with liver or heart problems can’t even take the drug to give themselves an extra hard stiffy. And don’t forget that if you experience an erection for more than four hours you need immediate medical attention.”

“Personally,” I added, “I enjoy those commercials that try to use cute little cartoon characters to lessen the disgusting factor. Like that foot fungus one, where those cute little brown puffy things crawl under that guys toenail, turning it yellow and brittle.”

“Actually,” my date Trish said, “I ended up getting that exact thing about a month ago. It’s horrible! I can barely stand to look at my feet. I’m just hoping that I can get rid of it soon.”

And while I try to be an understanding partner, this toenail information was not the type of thing that I needed to know. Suddenly, all the potato chips I had scooped up looked very much like discarded brittle toenails littering my plate.

“Well,” I jokingly told Trish, “don’t expect any toe sucking to take place tonight. I can just imagine a toe nail popping off in my mouth during mid-suck.”

“So would you spit or swallow?” Jill asked.

And as we laughed, I couldn’t help but notice that Trish seemed less than amused. In fact, she was giving me quite a cold and icy glare from across the table. Because, unbeknownst to me at the time, I had just been given one of the many dating tests that women administer to the men that they’re seeing. Needless to say, I failed miserably.

I’m confident that, had this test been announced prior to the start of the day, I would have aced it. Had Trish informed me that, “I’m going to be mentioning my toe nail fungus during lunch and I expect an appropriate and supportive response from you,” I could have passed with flying colors. But I’ve always done poorly on pop quizzes…and Trish’s was no exception.

As it turned out, I was quite right in the fact that no toe sucking took place that night. Nothing else took place either, however.