life threatening coffee related injuries

The early morning is not an ideal time for me, especially when there’s unpleasant activities to deal with…activities such as a job which I have to show up for. So to help guide me through these rough first hours (those that tend to occur before noon) I turn to my good friend coffee.

My typical morning activities consist of grinding and brewing coffee, showering, and then emerging to a fresh pot which, because I was half asleep while grinding and rarely remember doing so, seems to have magically appeared in the pot. This morning, however, my peaceful sleepwalk into the kitchen to commence the grinding activities was terribly interrupted by a potentially life threatening bag of Starbucks French Roast.

This delightfully rich, bold coffee which has a hint of chocolate and Earthy undertones, comes equipped with a little twist tie thingy attached to the bag. The twist tie on the bag gives the illusion of an air-impenetrable seal, thus keeping your coffee beans safe from the horrible effects that air would bestow on it…effects that, while I’m not certain what they are, would surely be devastating to the coffee within. And though this twist tie really doesn’t keep much air out, by affixing it to the bag our corporate friends at Starbucks can justify charging an extra buck for their coffee.

As I groggily stumbled into the kitchen, towel wrapped tightly around my waist, I opened the coffee bean bag and raised it up for the first scoop of the morning. And it was in mid-raise that this twist tie on the coffee bag nearly tore my right nipple off.

The sheer pain caused instant awaken-ness, and I frantically started searching the kitchen floor for my nipple…the same nipple which, I reasoned in my sudden jolt from slumber, surely could not have survived the slicing which just took place.

I realize that my nipples are of little use and, quite honestly, I rarely think of them at all. Sometimes I go whole weeks without a single thought to either of my nipples…except when one has been violently ripped from my chest. Then nipples become of the utmost importance to me. Because I shudder to think of how lopsided my chest would look with one lone nipple, not to mention the taunting I would endure, shouts of ‘Uni-nip’ echoing up and down the street as I walked by.

Clearly, there was no possible way I could live a happy, one nippled life…so I searched all the harder. And just as I was prepared to file a massive lawsuit against Starbucks to demand reparation for my lost nipple in the largest nipple losing lawsuit the world has ever seen, I saw it resting on my chest. Somehow, it emerged from this ordeal unscathed…with barely a scratch. Obviously, I have nipples of superhuman strength. Which is lucky, because I really can’t survive without my morning cup of Starbucks coffee (because, seriously, how many other brands of coffee can claim to have ‘Earthy’ undertones?) and an ugly lawsuit would have ruined what would have been an otherwise wonderful beverage. And who wants to start a morning like that?