getting the bird

Each year, my mother swears that she will not be sucked in by the Post-Thanksgiving Day sales that start at 5:00 am and last for only six hours. And each year, during her Pre-Thanksgiving Day browsing of the sale ads, she always finds something that someone needs at a price that simply cannot be ignored.

“Look at this printer/copier/fax machine/scanner that’s on sale tomorrow!” she told me.

“Will it also toast bread and remove stains from the carpet?” I asked her.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she chided. “Your sister could really use one of these. And the ad says that this printer is Photosmart, which is exactly what she needs!”

My sister recently had a baby, and her husband had been taking many megabytes worth of photos. So, obviously, a Photosmart printer would be needed…as a Photodumb printer would make her digital memories look crappy.

She asked if I wanted to be her co-pilot on this quest, but I told her that I valued sleep more than sales. So in the early morning hours on the day after Thanksgiving, my mother dragged my father out of bed and sped to Wal-Mart.

She arrived at the store long before the sun would make its appearance for the day, and navigated the Wal-Mart aisles with the skill of a seasoned veteran. My father, who was still a rookie in the world of value shopping, was left behind somewhere in the kitchenware section.

Mom made a beeline to the computer corner of the store, turned left down the printer aisle and, to her relief, grabbed the last remaining sale printer off of the shelf. Seconds later, a middle aged guy made the same turn that she did only moments before, and a look of great despair crossed his face when he saw her holding the last coveted printer/copier/fax machine/scanner/toaster/stain remover in the store. A look that says, ‘I was so close to winning! If only I hadn’t got tangled up in the baby apparel section that would be me holding the trophy instead of this lady.’

And, perhaps hoping for a holiday miracle, he asked my mom, “Hey lady, can I have that?”

My mother, generous as she is, did not wake up at the crack of dawn to turn over a highly prized piece of technology that easily. “No, I’m sorry. You see, it’s for my daughter.”

Overcome by frustration, the guy glared at my mom and responded, “Well happy holidays, asshole!”

“I was completely mortified,” my mom said as she retold the whole sordid affair to me later in the day. “I’m a grandmother now, for goodness sake! I couldn’t believe that he would call me such a name!”

“So what did you do?” I asked, fearing that the encounter would somehow end with this guy trying to strangle my mom with an Xbox game controller cord in the middle of Wal-Mart.

“I said Happy Holidays to you too. And once he turned around and started walking away, I stuck my middle finger up at him.”

“Well, at least you got the printer and you’re still in one piece,” I told her.

“Yes, but you know, now that I think of it, I’m not sure your sister will really enjoy this printer. I’m going to return it tomorrow.”

Next year, I plan on asking my mom to simply buy all of us socks.