when weather goes bad

I was driving home from work today when I heard a teaser on the radio imploring me to tune in to the 5:00 news because the Channel 11 ‘Severe Weather Center’ had important information regarding the conditions outside. Having just been outside getting into my car, I was quite certain what this information entailed. Namely, that it was cold. So cold, in fact, that as I was unlocking my door I’m pretty sure that I saw a snowflake drift past me. Apparently, this is what passes for ‘severe’ weather…though I really didn’t require an important news update to alert me to the situation.

But even more alarming then the severe weather that we were so clearly experiencing was the fact that the local news station actually had their own ‘Severe’ Weather Center. I had seen their news program before and had been enlightened by their ‘Regular’ Weather Center, but had been completely unaware that a ‘Severe’ weather center was also on site.

Most likely, I had been watching on either sunny or rainy days…wimpy weather that no self-respecting Severe Meteorologist would be reduced to reporting on. The station probably employs low QPA meteorologist graduates to cover weather such as this. Sissy meteorologists who most likely get taunted in the newsroom hallways, becoming unsuspecting victims to wedgies and spitball attacks at the hands of the Severe meteorologists.

And I couldn’t help but think of how cool it would be to have the word ‘severe’ in your job title. Being a ‘severe’ anything would definitely score major points with the ladies and prospective employers as well. And if cold weather with a single snowflake constitutes ‘severe’, then I’m sure that the criteria is quite low.

Take my job, for example. It’s boring. In fact, I would go so far as to call it ‘severely’ boring. Thus, I think that I would be within my legal right to pencil in the word ‘severe’ before my current job title on all of my business cards…making me a ‘Severe Billing Associate’.

Of course, the word ‘associate’ sucks. So I would probably have to white that out and add ‘Secret Agent’ or ‘Swashbuckler’ instead.