things that should be put away before guests come over

A few of us met over at my friend Craig’s house for some Yuletide poker…because there’s nothing like losing money to get you into the holiday spirit.

Craig, while being a nice enough guy, is very into the whole ‘fantasy role playing’ lifestyle and all of the stereotypes that come with this label. I didn’t know Craig in high school, but I think it’s a relatively safe bet that he played more than his fair share of Dungeons and Dragons throughout his teenaged and college years.

His is the only apartment that I know of which is adorned with various types of swords and daggers, all shined to a high gleam and mounted upon his walls. He also has quite the collection of action figures…from classics like He-Man to more obscure muscle-laden heroes and villains…all of which line his bookshelves. And, on occasion, he’ll forget and leave one of his sketch books open on a table, revealing within a wide array of elves, warlocks, and female warriors. Warriors who are not your average, everyday female fighting machine. Craig’s female warriors come complete with twelve inch waists, ample breasts, and skimpy little outfits that no woman could reasonably expect to do any type of butt-kicking in.

Craig also has a state of the art digital cable system, his television having long ago been upgraded with the maximum number of channels…containing somewhere in the neighborhood of 42 different HBOs, Starz, Showtime, and of course Cinemax. And, perhaps as a research tool in sketching his latest breastified warrior, he’s a frequent viewer of the Cinemax at night variety of programming…entertainment which consists of boobs galore but remains light on plot. Boobs that Craig can ogle any time of day or night since, having subscribed to the Ultra-Platinum Plus Package choice for his cable viewing pleasure, he can simply select any number of Cinemax at Night movies from the On-Demand screen.

As we all sat down around the table, Craig dealing out the cards, I noticed a new piece of décor which had been added to the room. The other three players shortly noticed the same thing that I had spotted…namely, a bottle of Jergens Hand Lotion which was resting on the coffee table right next to the remote control.

After several curious glances from the bottle, to Craig, and back again, he looked innocently up, shrugged, and said, “My hands get chapped a lot. So what?”

Because, obviously, remote control wielding can rapidly speed up the skin de-moisturizing process.