when it rains, it pours

Pam and I celebrated our four month anniversary the other night, and I knew that something was up the minute I walked through the door and gave her a hug. Usually, Pam is a great hugger…a woman who is truly skilled in the art of hugging. Her body just tends to melt, conforming to each and every curve on your body. Yesterday, however, her hug more resembled what I imagine hugging a mannequin would be like.

And it’s at times like these that I wish I had some type of superpower. X-ray vision, super strength, or the ability to read minds. Something to clue me in to what’s going on and give me the power to solve it, thus making everything all right.

Unfortunately, I have no superpowers.

It was during dinner that I found out the reason for the bad hello hug. Pam’s ex-boyfriend, Sam or Sal or something, had called her earlier in the week. They had dated for five years, and had been apart for four months when I started dating her. Now, he wanted to reconcile.

“He said he still loved me and that he missed me,” Pam said. “I really like you, but I’m very confused right now. I need some time away from you so that I can sort things out…it’s nothing you’ve done, though. You’re a great guy and will make someone very happy someday.”

This was my consolation prize. I may not have Pam, but I get to retain the title of ‘great guy’. Though I realize that four months can’t compete with five years, and nothing short of a suddenly undiscovered superpower would change this. If I could fly like Superman and reverse time, I might have a chance. If I had rubber arms, like that guy from the Fantastic Four, and could strangle her ex while remaining seated at the table, there might be hope. But no powers of flight or rubber limbs emerged.

In the course of two weeks, I’ve lost both the job and the girl.

And I sit here hoping for better days. Hoping that they’ll get here fast. And hoping that maybe I’ll develop a superpower…one that will help me win the girl, earn money, and save the world.

And if not a superpower, I’ll gladly settle for a secret Batcave. Because at least then I’ll have somewhere to go and sulk.