kellogg's giveth and kellogg's taketh away

I found myself on the Kellogg’s website this past Thursday, filling out their on-line application in the hopes of getting a job. My birthday, having commenced just a few days before, left me thinking that this would be my year. 33 turned out to be not such a great age for me. But 34, I reasoned, would be my year. The year I get that great job and find that great girl. A year where everything comes up roses. A year that will go down in the history of great years.

This hope seemed to be confirmed when, after hitting the little ‘submit’ button on the Kellogg website, I was informed that a phone interview was being granted. Clearly, I had answered all of the pre-interview questions correctly and my skills and talents were easily recognized. I scheduled my interview time for the very next day.

Friday morning, I got the call. I answered, said ‘hello’ in my most professional voice, and prepared to amaze the Kellogg’s human resources department with tales of my success in business and my leadership skills. Stories that had been polished so as not just to amaze, but to entertain and illuminate as well. Stories that would leave them thinking, ‘how can we not offer this guy a job? He’s just that impressive!’

“Hello, this is Mindy calling from Kellogg’s,” the voice on the phone informed me, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, that the interview confirmation you received on our website was a mistake. There seems to be a glitch in our system which granted you an interview in error. I’m calling to cancel that interview. Your credentials simply don’t warrant an interest from us at this time.”

And, in my most professional voice, I said, “Oh. I see.” Though I was thinking, “why don’t you take a fistful of Frosted Flakes and stuff them up your ass, Mindy.” But, as professional people know, these words are not conducive to professional business etiquette. Hopefully Mindy wasn’t a mind-reader.

As I hung up the phone, I was left hoping that perhaps there’s a one or two week margin of error before the start of my year…the year that’s supposed to bring me untold wealth and joy begin.

Because, God help me, I can’t endure another year like the past one.