how i got my job (commemorating six months of uninterrupted employment)

When I lost my job several months ago, I followed the predictable pattern that most suddenly unemployed people follow…which is to panic. Once this subsided, however, I started the job search and quickly realized that my resume needed some serious dusting off.

I sat, pen in hand, and tried to start detailing my previous job. What were my daily duties? What did I accomplish during my time there? What honors did I receive? I scribbled down bits and pieces of the job which I thought would sound most impressive. And after nearly 90 minutes, I stopped to reflect on what had been written…the total of which filled only two paragraphs and contained a lot of ‘developed’s and ‘assisted’s. Puny verbs which wouldn’t lead to a high paying job.

These puny verbs, combined with the fact that my resume looked much like a tennis match being played out on a sheet of paper - jobs bouncing back and forth across the page year after year - didn’t add to my confidence that future employment would soon be knocking at my door.

I needed help and, in desperation, turned to the first thing I could think of…the trusty thesaurus. Within minutes, all the ‘developed’s became ‘proposed’ and all of my ‘assisted’s became ‘supported’. Though these changes still made my past job sound just as thin and unimportant as the job actually was.

So I turned to the internet and googled ‘resume examples’ to get some help in turning my pathetically described job description into something that sounded brilliant.

A few clicks later and I was reading through other billing associates’ resumes. These folks were obviously more inspired with the written word than I was proving to be. Some girl named Jean made filing sound like an activity that only a PhD student could accomplish! And a guy named Chuck waxed poetic about the art of invoicing! I tried putting these mini-masterpieces into my own words, but in the end, Chuck’s and Jean’s words were much better, so I just borrowed whole sentences from them.

While the actual resume was looking much better, I realized that past experience in a billing department wasn’t really going to help me get a job in marketing or advertising…jobs that I realized I would enjoy much more than billing. So I turned again to the internet to find some further help with my resume.

Having already borrowed (and I use this term because plagiarized is much too hard to spell) sentences from Jean and Chuck, I took the next step in the ‘imitation-is-the-greatest-form-of-flattery’ department and began borrowing whole paragraphs from people. While I never worked for Nabisco, Steve’s six years as a Brand Manager sounded very impressive…so I borrowed three of his six years, making myself an instantly polished Brand Manager too. And Yvonne had spent four years as the Creative Director for a small marketing firm. A cut and paste later, and I had reinvented myself as a Creative Director as well.

Soon after, I was reading the resume of one very impressive and experienced individual. It wasn’t until minutes later that I realized this individual was me.