hobophobic

My friend Cindy called the other night. “I just saw that movie Running with Scissors and loved it! What a great film! That Augusten Burroughs is such a talented writer!”

I had just finished reading a book of his short stories and said to her, “I don’t know…I just don’t enjoy his stuff that much. I realize that the guy is a homosexual, but does every other paragraph have to be about giving some guy a blow job.”

“I can’t believe you!” she told me. “You are such a homophobe! The fact that you would judge his book on the basis of his sexual orientation is so closed minded!”

“Cindy, I have nothing against homosexuals. I don’t discriminate against them or beat them up when I see them. Truthfully, on the scale of things I’m worried about, I’m more scared that a homeless guy will attack me for not giving him my spare change than I am of gay people. I’m a hobophobe, not a homophobe. I just have no desire to read stories about guys having sex with other guys.”

Later that night, though, I started to wonder if I was in fact a homophobe. Did I harbor some unconscious hatred of homosexuals? Did I secretly wish them all harm? I decided to take inventory.

I really don’t know any gay people, so I turned my attention to gay celebrities. I’m sure that I’ve known some homosexuals, I just didn’t realize that they were homosexual at the time…so clearly this couldn’t be used as evidence of homophobia.

I made a mental checklist of gay stars, only to find that my pop cultural knowledge of gay Hollywood was lacking…though a few examples did come to mind. I’ve enjoyed several Kevin Spacey films, so that was a check in the non-homophobic column. However, I have never cared much for Elton John’s music. And I can’t stand Rosie O’Donnell, but this, I reasoned, was a personality issue, not a lesbian issue.

Still, I was only one for three in the pro-homo checklist. Was this an indication that I disliked gay people? And why couldn’t there be some type of internet quiz that I could take…10 easy multiple choice questions that would reveal my homophobia level.

But the more I thought about it, I realized that I couldn’t be homophobic…in fact, I wished there were even more homosexual guys on the planet. Because if most of the male population was gay, I’d probably start looking pretty good to the ladies…simply because I’d be one of the few men left that was still interested in them. Hopefully, if given the choice, a single woman would select me over a gay guy as a potential mate.

So it was settled. I was obviously not homophobic. I could rest easy knowing that I wasn’t anti-gay. Though I’m still a little bit scared that a hobo may one day kill me in my sleep.

the strip mall initiative

“Business is all about the planning!”

This is the phrase that my boss repeats over and over again. And planning is all he ever does. Rather than making sales calls to increase profits, he plans. He calls each employee into his office everyday to hold meetings that can last for hours. Then, at the end of the day, he’ll hold an hour long all-staff meeting.

I’ve never seen him do any actual work, however. It’s all still in the planning stages.

Some of his past strategic inspirations included a plan to increase employee productivity; a plan that consisted of reducing everyone’s sick and personal days to three a year. Which means that I am only allowed to be ill once every four months, after which my pay will be docked.

He also developed a plan to increase profits. The plan called for a change in the commission structure of his sales force. People that used to make $650 in commissions now earn $100, thus increasing his profits.

Lately he has been brainstorming up a storm. And amid all the thunder and lightning, he has come up with yet another plan…this one designed to increase sales. Because, now that he’s bled the sales staff of commissions, the only way to make more money for himself is to get everyone selling even more…life isn’t cheap. And he’s got a beach house, a cabin by the lake, a boat, a wife, a girlfriend, and two cars to maintain.

He unveiled his latest plan during a 90 minute meeting earlier this week.

“In addition to the usual number of sales calls that you’re required to perform each week,” he announced, “I expect you to start using your time in between these calls better.”

“We’re now carrying a line of wide format printers that are perfect for marketing and visual communications. So while driving from one sales call to the next, it will now be mandatory that you stop in at a strip mall or shopping plaza and go door to door from one store to the next. I want you talking to the owner and selling them on these printers. Try focusing on the privately owned grocery stores, for example. Explain to them how these printers will be the perfect thing to help advertise weekly specials and for point of purchase displays by the cash register.”

“So starting next Monday,” he continued, “you will be required to stop in at a minimum of 15 stores each week. Naturally, there will be a new form that you’ll have to fill out so I can track your progress. This needs to be turned into me by Friday at 3:00 outlining each store you visited, the location and phone number of each store, and a brief summary of the meeting. I think that this will easily bring in two or three more sales each week.”

Perhaps we were all too tired and disillusioned, but no one had the heart to point out that a small ma and pop shop probably wouldn’t be very interested in purchasing a $5000 printer for displays that they receive for free from manufacturers such as Pepsi and Nabisco.

And when I begin stopping in at all these different stores, not only will I be leaving them with product literature, I’m going to start dropping off my resume as well.