hobophobic

My friend Cindy called the other night. “I just saw that movie Running with Scissors and loved it! What a great film! That Augusten Burroughs is such a talented writer!”

I had just finished reading a book of his short stories and said to her, “I don’t know…I just don’t enjoy his stuff that much. I realize that the guy is a homosexual, but does every other paragraph have to be about giving some guy a blow job.”

“I can’t believe you!” she told me. “You are such a homophobe! The fact that you would judge his book on the basis of his sexual orientation is so closed minded!”

“Cindy, I have nothing against homosexuals. I don’t discriminate against them or beat them up when I see them. Truthfully, on the scale of things I’m worried about, I’m more scared that a homeless guy will attack me for not giving him my spare change than I am of gay people. I’m a hobophobe, not a homophobe. I just have no desire to read stories about guys having sex with other guys.”

Later that night, though, I started to wonder if I was in fact a homophobe. Did I harbor some unconscious hatred of homosexuals? Did I secretly wish them all harm? I decided to take inventory.

I really don’t know any gay people, so I turned my attention to gay celebrities. I’m sure that I’ve known some homosexuals, I just didn’t realize that they were homosexual at the time…so clearly this couldn’t be used as evidence of homophobia.

I made a mental checklist of gay stars, only to find that my pop cultural knowledge of gay Hollywood was lacking…though a few examples did come to mind. I’ve enjoyed several Kevin Spacey films, so that was a check in the non-homophobic column. However, I have never cared much for Elton John’s music. And I can’t stand Rosie O’Donnell, but this, I reasoned, was a personality issue, not a lesbian issue.

Still, I was only one for three in the pro-homo checklist. Was this an indication that I disliked gay people? And why couldn’t there be some type of internet quiz that I could take…10 easy multiple choice questions that would reveal my homophobia level.

But the more I thought about it, I realized that I couldn’t be homophobic…in fact, I wished there were even more homosexual guys on the planet. Because if most of the male population was gay, I’d probably start looking pretty good to the ladies…simply because I’d be one of the few men left that was still interested in them. Hopefully, if given the choice, a single woman would select me over a gay guy as a potential mate.

So it was settled. I was obviously not homophobic. I could rest easy knowing that I wasn’t anti-gay. Though I’m still a little bit scared that a hobo may one day kill me in my sleep.