once they relax the standards for superhero membership, i'll be a shoo-in

Our office picnic was held this past weekend and, despite the fact that I had no desire to see any of my co-workers outside of the office, I went. In truth, I don’t like most of these people too much and can barely stomach them during the 40 hours that I’m required to see them. Once you stop paying me to put up with them, my tolerance diminishes exponentially. But in an effort to appear as ‘part of the team’ I sucked it up, ate the dried out barbecue, and smiled.

The office picnic turned out much like I expected. Hot, dull, and painfully long. It more closely resembled a sixth workday rather than an actual picnic. But for all my efforts and forfeiture of half my weekend, I did get a fabulous consolation prize, namely three mosquito bites.

Not just normal mosquito bites, however, but huge, nipple-sized mosquito bites that I can only assume came from some genetically mutated insect that perhaps spent its larva phase in a nuclear substation.

And now, almost a week after the initial sucking of my blood took place, I still have this unholy mountainous trio of bites clustered on my ankle. The Bermuda Triangle of mosquito bites.

Of course, Spiderman was also bit by a radioactive insect, and he ended up developing superhuman strength and the ability to climb walls. Thus, I’m left wondering why I haven't started displaying any super powers of my own, especially considering that this mosquito was surely some type of radioactive infused bug.

Granted, I’m not sure what types of powers I would begin to inherit from a mosquito. A superhuman ability to buzz incessantly in wrongdoers ears? Annoying them to the point where they’re willing to turn themselves into the authorities simply to get away from me?

True, this would be perhaps the lamest super power in the history of superpowers, but add a cape to the mix and I still might pass as a second rate superhero…not on par with the likes of Superman or Spiderman, but surely good enough to earn some money by signing autographs at comic book conventions across the country. And really, this is all I ask for out of a super power...the ability to turn it into some type of money making venture.

And for the past few days, I’ve been testing to see whether any powers have yet developed…does my hand suddenly stick to the wall? Can I see through the closed office door by squinting really hard? Sadly, the answer is always ‘no’. Nothing has changed. I still remain the incredibly, un-super me.

Yet I keep hoping that I’m experiencing a delayed reaction in my superpower progression. Maybe these radioactive mosquito juices simply need a few more days to ferment in my blood stream. But, I’m beginning to seriously doubt that any superpowers will appear…unless you count the incredibly super itchy ankle that I’ve been experiencing for the past few days. Because if extreme itchiness can be considered a ‘superpower’, I might just qualify for hero status yet.