the anti-sales plan

My boss called me into a meeting earlier today and, as I sat across the scuffed oak veneer desk from him, was greeted with the accusation, “You’re just not pulling your weight around here.”

I was caught off guard, but wasn’t completely unsurprised. Every meeting that my boss holds will, at some point, turn into a long winded diatribe about how you’re not doing your job well enough. It’s simply a question of what you’re doing wrong.

“I’m a bit confused how you’ve come to this conclusion, Vince,” I said. “I mean, I’ve hit my quota every month…usually producing well above my quota.”

“And you’re satisfied with that, are you?” He sneered, his face beginning to turn a shade of scarlet. “Well around here, that’s just not acceptable. You should be bringing in twice the number of orders that you have been.”

“But Vince,” I asked, “why bother having quotas if they don’t mean anything? If I don’t know what’s expected, then you can always claim I’m not doing well enough.”

“I’ve been in business 22 years!” Vince fumed, “and I know this market a hell of a lot better than you! So don’t you sit there and try to tell me what a salesperson is expected to sell!”

“Vince,” I tried to reason, “I’m not trying to tell you anything. I’m just saying that if I have a quota and I’m meeting that quota…”

“ENOUGH!” he shouted, cutting me off completely. “If you expect to remain employed here past the next month, then your sales are going to have to more than double overnight! And let me tell you something, I don’t see that happening. But I’ve come up with a plan to give you a second chance.”

“First off,” he continued, “I’ve promoted Lenny to Sales Manager.”

“So I’ll now be reporting to Lenny,” I said, trying hard to keep from laughing. Lenny has been with the company for several years, but remains incredibly unorganized and has proven, on more than one occasion, to be incapable of managing his time effectively. Add this to the fact that Lenny really doesn’t ‘sell’, but has just taken phone-in orders during his time at the company, and you’re left with a manager who really doesn’t know how to manage much of anything.

“No, I’m moving you into a support position, to help you develop into a better sales person,” he said. “And in this position, your primary responsibility will be to set up sales appointments for Lenny, because this is one area he’s never been too strong in…and being that he’s now my Sales Manager, this will help him increase his monthly sales.”

“So my job will now be to help Lenny sell, but I won’t actually be selling anything myself?”

“Correct. Getting Lenny out into the field is to be your top priority,” he told me. “Consider this a probation period. We’ll see how you’re doing in 90 days and at that point, I might consider letting you sell one or two products again.”

I sat there wondering how this new position was supposed to help me become a ‘better’ salesperson since I will no longer be selling anything…but experience had taught me not to ask. Any question that goes against Vince’s opinion results in a thirty minute chewing out session…and the current headache that had been building throughout the entire meeting couldn’t endure an extension of any kind.

So now Lenny is not only the Sales Manager, but the entire sales staff as well. And I just hope that he proves to be a good boss and employee, because the only person he’s going to be managing is himself.