a gift card says 'i'm single'

As any single person understands, the holidays season can be a draining and depressing time of year. No mistletoe induced kisses. No cuddling up with someone next to a blazing fire. It's a cold, lonely time of year with only cups of hot chocolate to keep you warm.

But being a guy, I've found that my single-status pretty much excuses me from all holiday related responsibilities. I have married friends that, for several years running, have sent me the obligatory Christmas card. I have yet to send one in return...but I'm a guy. How can I be expected to keep an address book and accomplish a task that requires a great deal of organization such as this? It's simply impossible. Thus, year after year, my card giving friends overlook my lack of holiday mailings.

I've found that being a single guy also comes in handy during holiday parties. Because while others come armed with trays full of home-baked cookies, creamy dips, and tantalizing casseroles, I have never been expected to produce anything even nearing this caliber of cuisine. A bag of tortilla chips and my gourmet responsibilities are met.

And on those occasions that I forget to bring anything of an edible nature, people still tend to be quite understanding. 'He's single', they reason. 'Without a woman in his life, he's lucky that he even remembers to put a pair of pants on before he heads out the door!'

Granted, not everyone is equally impressed with my ability to put on pants. But those that shoot me sourly looks due to my foodless arrival nearly need a slight reminder that I'm at the party alone because I had nobody to invite. 'I'm single, for God's sake', the look on my face transmits. 'While you'll be spending your holiday with your lover, I'll be guzzling egg nog by myself. So don't complain that I didn't prepare any crab puffs for you to eat.'

Not that I could make a crab puff to save my life, but that's a piece of information my face doesn't give away.

And in the present department, gift cards are viewed as completely reasonable gifts for a single guy to give. How would I know what style of sweater is in this season? And I have no idea how to tell the difference between terrycloth and polyester...so I'm really not the person you want purchasing a set of bath towels for you.

Besides, even if I could find the perfect gift for one of my friends, how would I be expected to wrap it? I have just as much luck with Saran Wrap as I do wrapping paper, and the results are often quite similar. Instead of a nice looking package topped with a bow, I end up with a massive wad of red and green paper that has loose ends of tape sticking up in odd places.

This all adds up to a relatively stress free season. No casseroles or cookies to bake for office parties. No cards that need to be addressed and sent. And a quick trip to Starbucks for a few gift cards and my shopping is complete. I'm a single guy, thus I'm forgiven of these infractions.

So I'm lonely, but free of social niceties. Though I still think that baking a casserole every now and then would be worth finding someone to share it with.

parting gifts

While most three year olds enjoy quality programming such as Sesame Street and the Teletubbies, my nephew has a deep fascination with game shows. Jeopardy holds his interest far more than Mister Rogers ever could. 'Where's the excitement in his neighborhood?' he must ask himself. Nobody is being told to 'Come on Down!' and certainly, no one in Mister Roger's neighborhood may leave the show with a brand new washer and dryer.

And while most toddlers would be traumatized by finding out that Santa doesn't exist, my nephew experienced much the same distress when Bob Barker left the Price is Right. He's still doesn't completely trust Drew Carey, but seems to be coming around.

So when I saw my nephew the other day and my sister told him, “Ask your Uncle how old he is,” I knew I was being set up for something. But, whatever she was planning, I figured that I'd go along with it...at the very least, I could always claim later that this was her Christmas present and return the slippers I had bought for her at Target and get my $9.99 back.

So I looked into the earnest face of my nephew and said, “I'm 35.”

His eyebrows arched and his eyes went wide. “You're not even a case on Deal or No Deal!” he exclaimed.

And in that moment, I realized that there's nothing like a three year old comparing you to cases on a game show to make you feel incredibly ancient.

“If it's any consolation,” my sister told me, “I'm not a case either. I got the same response the other day and thought I'd share it with you.”

“Gee, thanks a lot.”

“Look on the bright side,” she continued, “age is all relative to the game show you're watching. Sure, you're not a case on Deal or No Deal...but you know the big spinning wheel on The Price is Right? Well it goes up to a hundred, so in that respect you're actually quite young. And how about Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. You're a baby compared to that!”

Still, I couldn't help but feel that I'm no longer a Grand-Prize winner in the age game. No year's supply of Rice-A-Roni. Not even a home version of the game. Just a 'thanks for playing' and the knowledge that I need to start watching game shows with numbers much higher than my age.

All in all, I feel that this is a crappy parting gift.