parting gifts

While most three year olds enjoy quality programming such as Sesame Street and the Teletubbies, my nephew has a deep fascination with game shows. Jeopardy holds his interest far more than Mister Rogers ever could. 'Where's the excitement in his neighborhood?' he must ask himself. Nobody is being told to 'Come on Down!' and certainly, no one in Mister Roger's neighborhood may leave the show with a brand new washer and dryer.

And while most toddlers would be traumatized by finding out that Santa doesn't exist, my nephew experienced much the same distress when Bob Barker left the Price is Right. He's still doesn't completely trust Drew Carey, but seems to be coming around.

So when I saw my nephew the other day and my sister told him, “Ask your Uncle how old he is,” I knew I was being set up for something. But, whatever she was planning, I figured that I'd go along with it...at the very least, I could always claim later that this was her Christmas present and return the slippers I had bought for her at Target and get my $9.99 back.

So I looked into the earnest face of my nephew and said, “I'm 35.”

His eyebrows arched and his eyes went wide. “You're not even a case on Deal or No Deal!” he exclaimed.

And in that moment, I realized that there's nothing like a three year old comparing you to cases on a game show to make you feel incredibly ancient.

“If it's any consolation,” my sister told me, “I'm not a case either. I got the same response the other day and thought I'd share it with you.”

“Gee, thanks a lot.”

“Look on the bright side,” she continued, “age is all relative to the game show you're watching. Sure, you're not a case on Deal or No Deal...but you know the big spinning wheel on The Price is Right? Well it goes up to a hundred, so in that respect you're actually quite young. And how about Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. You're a baby compared to that!”

Still, I couldn't help but feel that I'm no longer a Grand-Prize winner in the age game. No year's supply of Rice-A-Roni. Not even a home version of the game. Just a 'thanks for playing' and the knowledge that I need to start watching game shows with numbers much higher than my age.

All in all, I feel that this is a crappy parting gift.