thinking ahead

Another birthday, and this year I'm entering the grisly underbelly years of my 30's. Gone are the days when I could appease myself with the knowledge that I was closer to my twenties than I was to my forties. It's rather depressing.

And I realize that my mid-life crisis years aren't too far off. But rather than wait for them, I've decided that I'm going to get them over with now. Once done with, I can sail off into my retirement years in blissful peace.

So the question I now have is what form my proactive mid-life crisis will take.

Those late teenage years seem to be where most mid-lifers revert to when going through their various crises. And flashy convertibles seem to be one common solution.

The problem with focusing on a sports cars, however, is that they require a good deal of money...money that I don't have. And even if I hold off on my mid-life crisis for a few years, I'm still not going to have the money. Unfortunately, this teenage fantasy is out.

Affairs seem to be another popular mid-life crisis indulgence. And, being single, I would greatly welcome an affair. But it's tough to have an affair when there's no relationship to be affairing on. I suppose I could lie and simply tell prospective affairers that I'm married, but what type of illicit romance would it be when it was based on a bunch of lies? Lying to your spouse is one thing. But lying about having a spouse that you're lying to simply doesn't make for a solid relationship on which to base an affair.

I ran through a list of other things that teenagers do to solve the crisis I was having about having a mid-life crisis; alienating parents, sulking and brooding, writing angst ridden poetry. Sadly, none of these are going to bring about a pleasurable mid-life crisis for me. I realized that I was going to have to go back even farther.

Which is why I plan on spending my mid-life crisis watching Saturday morning cartoons and eating a whole lot of candy.