why there's now less space in my closet

After tossing and turning for an hour last night in bed, I reluctantly had to admit that sleep wasn’t going to visit me any time soon. Giving up on this prospect, I turned on the television and flipped past several infomercials...which I try not to watch when sleep deprived. Products that I know are worthless seem like absolute necessities when I’m unable to sleep.

Months prior, I had seen a commercial for the Vac-U-Bag, which promised organizational finesse and space saving genius all in one little package. By placing items in the patented PolyFlex bag and then sucking the air out, 20 stuffed animals could be reduced to the size of a throw pillow. Another bag, which had been filled with over 35 sweaters, was shrunk to the size of a dictionary and placed onto a bookshelf.

‘How have I survived without this thing?’ I had asked myself at the time. And two weeks later, the Vac-U-Bag ended up on my doorstep...followed by three easy installments of $29.95. Unfortunately, once it arrived I found that I didn't own anything that was worth shrinking. I stuck it in my closet with the knowledge that I now had the power of shrinkage at my disposal and could begin purchasing accessories like stuffed animals and sweaters without fear.

But stuffed animals and sweaters never found their way into my apartment, and the Vac-U-Bag remains in my closet underneath the Christmas decorations and a box containing my old tax returns.

So because of this judgment lapse when sleep deprived, I try to avoid late night infomercials, and as I flipped through the channels...carefully avoiding anything that even remotely looked infomercialish, I came upon an episode of Deadliest Animal Attacks.

One unlucky guy shared the story of how half of his face almost got bit off by a snake. 'Apparently pet snakes don't enjoy being kissed,' the snake face-biting guy said. The next segment showed guy out with his buddies, drinking beer and deep sea fishing. He hooked a shark and, determined to reel his catch in, was pulled over the side of the boat and almost got his leg bit off.

But, as I watched, I couldn't help but feel a bit cheated. The show was called 'Deadliest Animal Attacks', and I had yet to see one actual person die. Story after story resulted in one survivor after another.

I really didn't feel I was asking for much...just one little death. And while I like to think that I'm a humanitarian at heart and possess a great deal of empathy and concern for my fellow man, I didn't want to hear about the guy that survived the bear attack...tell me the story about the guy that didn't. Surely there's somebody out there that had his face bitten off by a snake and didn't survive. Couldn't he have been featured instead of that other guy?

All in all, I felt that while the show was clearly living up to the 'Attack' part of the title, it was lacking on the 'Deadly' part. Resigned to the fact that no animals were killing anybody in this particular episode, I switched the channel...to yet another infomercial.

I stared at the screen, transfixed as the host made beef jerky and banana chips for mere pennies with a handy little dehydrator...'the perfect kitchen appliance' he said. And while I've never been an great fan of banana chips or beef jerky, I sat there in complete awe.

'How have I survived without this thing?' I thought, as I reached for my phone.