life could be so much better

I laid awake last night unable to fall asleep because of a dull, aching pain in my right calf…not my left, so much, but mainly my right. I wasn’t sure why the pain had localized in one leg and not the other. Was my right leg doing the bulk of the work, covering for a lazy left leg that was slacking throughout the whole day? I lay there pondering this, when suddenly I realized that I may be experiencing that ‘restless leg syndrome’ which I had been hearing about so much on television lately.

Clearly, I thought, medication was needed…and I wondered what all those poor people with restless legs did ten years ago, before the affliction was even identified. Those unfortunate souls were left thinking that their sore legs were simply due to muscle strain rather than restless leg syndrome and were never able to seek help. How they survived, I have no idea.

It’s fortunate, I felt, that we live in such a technologically advanced world where we can so easily identify medical disorders that have escaped detection for hundreds of years. And I began wondering just how many other yet-to-be-identified medical problems I had.

All this time I had thought I was reasonably healthy, and now I wasn’t so sure. I was certain that I was suffering from many undiscovered diseases, and could only hope that a cure would soon be discovered before the unfounded maladies killed me.

For instance, I thought, maybe it’s not just my legs that are restless, but perhaps I was suffering from restless brain syndrome too. I was laying there unable to sleep in part due to my leg, but even more so because my mind kept wandering. This restlessness of the brain was decreasing the quality of my life.

There’s other things, too. True, doctors have found cures for Athlete’s Foot and Tennis Elbow already, but what about all those other sport related problems. Granted, I’m not an athlete by anybody’s definition, but even I get aches and pains from physical exertion. Like computer solitaire. I’m quite certain that I’ve developed computer solitaire knuckle from all that mouse button pushing. How can I possibly be expected to live a fulfilling life when no treatment for this disorder exists?

Add these to the eye strain from watching my high definition TV, the butt fatigue from all that excessive couch sitting, and this irritable ear syndrome that I’ve developed from those little ear buds that came with my iPod, and it’s a wonder that I’m even still alive.

I just hope that the medical community will soon recognize and identify these serious disorders of mine and develop some drugs to cure them. Because how am I ever going to live a satisfying life without being properly medicated?

once they relax the standards for superhero membership, i'll be a shoo-in

Our office picnic was held this past weekend and, despite the fact that I had no desire to see any of my co-workers outside of the office, I went. In truth, I don’t like most of these people too much and can barely stomach them during the 40 hours that I’m required to see them. Once you stop paying me to put up with them, my tolerance diminishes exponentially. But in an effort to appear as ‘part of the team’ I sucked it up, ate the dried out barbecue, and smiled.

The office picnic turned out much like I expected. Hot, dull, and painfully long. It more closely resembled a sixth workday rather than an actual picnic. But for all my efforts and forfeiture of half my weekend, I did get a fabulous consolation prize, namely three mosquito bites.

Not just normal mosquito bites, however, but huge, nipple-sized mosquito bites that I can only assume came from some genetically mutated insect that perhaps spent its larva phase in a nuclear substation.

And now, almost a week after the initial sucking of my blood took place, I still have this unholy mountainous trio of bites clustered on my ankle. The Bermuda Triangle of mosquito bites.

Of course, Spiderman was also bit by a radioactive insect, and he ended up developing superhuman strength and the ability to climb walls. Thus, I’m left wondering why I haven't started displaying any super powers of my own, especially considering that this mosquito was surely some type of radioactive infused bug.

Granted, I’m not sure what types of powers I would begin to inherit from a mosquito. A superhuman ability to buzz incessantly in wrongdoers ears? Annoying them to the point where they’re willing to turn themselves into the authorities simply to get away from me?

True, this would be perhaps the lamest super power in the history of superpowers, but add a cape to the mix and I still might pass as a second rate superhero…not on par with the likes of Superman or Spiderman, but surely good enough to earn some money by signing autographs at comic book conventions across the country. And really, this is all I ask for out of a super power...the ability to turn it into some type of money making venture.

And for the past few days, I’ve been testing to see whether any powers have yet developed…does my hand suddenly stick to the wall? Can I see through the closed office door by squinting really hard? Sadly, the answer is always ‘no’. Nothing has changed. I still remain the incredibly, un-super me.

Yet I keep hoping that I’m experiencing a delayed reaction in my superpower progression. Maybe these radioactive mosquito juices simply need a few more days to ferment in my blood stream. But, I’m beginning to seriously doubt that any superpowers will appear…unless you count the incredibly super itchy ankle that I’ve been experiencing for the past few days. Because if extreme itchiness can be considered a ‘superpower’, I might just qualify for hero status yet.